Anxious Preoccupied And Dismissive-Avoidant Relationship

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Anxious Preoccupied

It’s not uncommon to feel anxious, preoccupied and dismissive when you’re in a relationship with someone who is avoidant.

It can be difficult to know what to do because it seems like they don’t want anything from you but at the same time they also seem uninterested which leaves people feeling frustrated and confused.

This blog post will discuss some ways that an individual might try to get their partner more engaged and connected.

Table of Contents

What is an anxious preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant relationship.

A study has been made by clinical psychologist Keren Goldenberg, MFT and her colleagues at San Diego State University.

They have developed the theory that anxious-preoccupied avoidant attachment style is more than an individual personality trait. Rather, they view it as a relationship “style”.

Their study examined the dynamics of 12-month romantic relationships between partners who were their own control group.

They found that in all pairings where one partner was classified as having an anxious preoccupied (or pre-occupied) attachment style, the other partner was always classified as dismissive avoidant.

In contrast, when both partners were classified as secure or dismissive avoidant in personality style, they found no evidence that the relationships were negatively affected by their attachment styles.

They also conducted a study where participants were given questionnaires for them to answer about their attachment style.

The subjects in the study responded to their attachment classification questionnaires, and then reported on difficulty with interpersonal relating over a 12-month period.

Results showed that anxious preoccupied individuals had difficulties in forming positive relationships with others as well as feeling connected and secure within themselves during an extended period of time.

Their partners were as likely to be dismissive avoidant as secure.

During the 12-month period of time subjects were asked to describe how they felt about their partner when they were not around, as well as being asked verbal questions concerning themselves and their relationship with their current partner.

Results showed that individuals who had a dismissing avoidant attachment style were less prone to feel insecure in the relationship, and were more likely to report feeling secure within themselves in their relationships with others.

In contrast individuals who reported having an “anxious-preoccupied” attachment style were found to feel insecure in the relationship as well as connect less with their self-identity.

The researchers concluded that there was a distinct pattern of relating which seemed to occur in all anxious preoccupied avoidant pairings.

A study of 509 dating/married couples found that individuals who had a dismissing-avoidant attachment style also avoided feelings of anxiety by avoiding closeness with their partners.

The researchers did not find this to be true for the insecure “anxious-preoccupied” people, who were more likely to feel anxious and insecure in their relationships.

They also found that those with a dismissing-avoidant attachment style were more than twice as likely to break up or divorce during the study period.

Signs of this type of relationship.

signs of an anxious preoccupied include but are not limited to the following symptoms.

They tend to be more clingy, jealous and have separation anxiety when the partner is away.

They have frequent mood swings and can be quite touchy.

The person in the pre-occupied role tends to worry excessively, have difficulty concentrating and tend to feel insecure in most situations.

The person in the avoidant role may appear very independent but is actually quite dependent on their partner.

The avoidant person will use signs of independence to hide their feeling of insecurity and lack of confidence in the relationship.

They demand a lot from the other partner, becoming upset when they cannot get what they want or need from them.

They can be quite controlling, possessive and jealous as well as extremely demanding towards their partners.

When giving feedback to each other both people tend to criticize a lot and are often competitive with one another.

Both partners tend to develop a negative attitude towards marriage/long term relationships because issues arise very quickly, increasing tension between them.

The anxious preoccupied tends to argue about small things that the avoidant person may not even think is an argument, and the avoidant person will try to distance himself/herself from any argument or fight.

While in a relationship most people are able to give their partners emotional support, those with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles tend not to want to be emotionally supportive because they become too emotionally burdened by the relationship, while those who have an avoidant style of attachment are afraid that they may lose control if they start expressing emotion towards their partner.

The partner who is in the pursuing role tends to be less satisfied, more frustrated and dissatisfied than the partner who takes on a distancing role when disagreements take place during a discussion between them.

The effects on the person with this type of relationship

The effects of this type of relationship on the anxious preoccupied are that they tend to feel insecure, unattractive and unsatisfied with their partners.

They also have high levels of stress and anxiety when the partner is away, they become more dependent on their partners and they report feeling very anxious.

The effects on the person with this type of relationship are that in order to avoid bringing up any emotions towards their partners, these people develop defense mechanisms such as denial or suppression which mean that the negative feelings can be suppressed for a long period of time.

They also have an abundance of anxiety due to their inability to deal with stressful situations.

In one research study by Feeney & Noller participants were observed while they were discussing problems in their current relationships with each other.

The researchers found those who had anxiously-preoccupied attachment styles would describe issues using “labile and intense emotions” while those with an avoidant attachment style had a tendency to dismiss the issue or minimize it.

So how do people develop this type of relationship?

According to Bowlby’s theory on attachment, when children were born into their families they are unable to communicate in words.

The child is only able to rely on the parent for help and support from birth.

As time goes by they learn what behaviors will result in parents providing them with food as well as warmth and protection.

The child then forms a bond between themselves and the parents through these interactions.

A strong bond can be formed when the parent provides the child with constant caregiving. These children grow up knowing that their attachments are safe and consistent, so they develop a security base.

The child then becomes attached to the parent in an anxious-preoccupied relationship if the parents are not able to provide constant caregiving for this child.

As time goes by, the anxiously-preoccupied person blames themselves for anything that goes wrong between them and their partners as well as anything that goes wrong within their relationships

They tend to hold on too tightly and become overly dependent on their partners.

They also tend to look at things from their own perspective rather than considering others’ perspectives.

Children with anxious attachments had mothers who demonstrated low levels of sensitivity towards them when they were babies or children as well as being inconsistent or unpredictable with helping these children acquire new skills or understand new things.

Ways to help someone who has this type of relationship

To help the person in an anxious-preoccupied relationship, they need to recognize that they have a tendency to blame themselves for the problems in their relationship.

They need to acknowledge their tendency of becoming overly dependent on the other person.

They also need to be aware of how they appear in front of their partners, they tend to try too hard and get stuck in a rut.

The partner with this type of relationship needs to help recognize that the person is anxious about them leaving them or being offended by something they say or do.

They need to work on problem-solving skills so they can solve minor problems before they become major issues between themselves and their partner.  

They should not always expect their partner to behave in certain ways in order for everything to go smoothly and if there are differences, they need to learn how to compromise without using avoidance as a defense mechanism.

How can I get out of this kind of a relationship if I am in one myself

You can get out of this kind of relationship by being aware of your own feelings.

You also need to be able to communicate these feelings to your partner, not just the negative ones but the positive feelings as well.  

You also need to recognize that you are becoming overly dependent on your partner and work towards problem-solving these differences between yourselves.

Also, ask yourself if you feel comfortable being in this type of relationship or if I am making you unhappy

Realize there is nothing wrong with wanting something different than what you have in front of you.

If you want something else, go after it! Don’t let someone hold you back from reaching your goals and dreams just because they’re afraid of losing control over your life.

10 signs that you are in an anxious preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant relationships

1. You tend to blame yourself for any sort of problems that arise in the relationship and you feel responsible for everything .

2. You fear abandonment if your partner doesn’t behave a certain way and you feel uncomfortable when the other person holds onto their independence .

3. You’re too sensitive towards rejection because of previous relationships in which someone left you or rejected you, and this makes it harder for you to interact with others without feeling as if they are going to leave or reject you.

4. You want approval from others and often try too hard to please them while neglecting yourself.   

5. If your partner doesn’t do exactly what you think is best for him/her, then he/she has failed at being a good partner and needs to change how he acts.

6. If there are problems in your relationship, you tend to become extremely insecure about the future and how it will affect you.

7. You tend to be a people-pleaser instead of being self-respecting.

8. You have trouble providing room for differences between yourself and another person without trying to change him/her or stop them from doing things that make a difference between the two of you.

9. You are very dependent on your partner because you view life as a series of threats that must be avoided rather than challenges that can be overcome with support from others.

10. If your partner tries to distance him or herself from you, you feel guilty and think that everything is your fault.  

You also may believe that if they really loved you, he/she wouldn’t do things like stop calling or spending time with you.

Conclusion

There is not one type of relationship that will work for everyone.

You need to find the right fit for you and your partner, whether it be anxious preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant or something else.

Take a look at this list of 10 signs that you are in an anxious preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant relationships.

Do any of these sound like your current situation?

If so, don’t give up hope!

There may still be time to turn things around if you both want the same thing out of life together.

It’s worth fighting for what we believe in because nothing is guaranteed but our own efforts.”